Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em

TheMalcolmConnection · 10-27-2006, 05:28 PM

:vomit:

RobH4413 · 10-27-2006, 07:15 PM

A priest, rabbi, horse, and a pirate all walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What's this a joke?"

jbcjr14 · 10-31-2006, 12:38 PM

Halloween Humor...

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for him to go and have a good time. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

jamf · 10-31-2006, 02:52 PM

RedskinsRat: That was great!

RedskinRat · 10-31-2006, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamf

RedskinsRat: That was great!

Dude, which one? I was going to keep posting jokes until TAFKAS shuts me down.

RedskinRat · 10-31-2006, 03:27 PM

Two English slappers (sluts) walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
Sharon inexpertly says "Viens a moi"
"Viens a moi?" says Tracy, "What the fack does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

+++++++++++++++++++++

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps wife on the shoulder and starts stroking her back. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

dmek25 · 10-31-2006, 03:45 PM

those are quality, especially the last one

BigRed · 10-31-2006, 04:57 PM

My (poor) joke contribution:

* * * * * * * * * *

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history.

* * * * * * * * * *

A guy meets this woman at a bar and takes her back to his place. One thing leads to another and the man starts to eat her out.

While he is doing this, he feels something in his mouth. He pulls a pea out of his mouth. He thinks this must be from his dinner and he goes back to what he was doing.

A few seconds later, and he feels something else in his mouth. He opens his mouth and he pulls out a piece of carrot. Now he doesn't recall having any carrots in his dinner, but decides he may have forgotten and he keeps on eating out the woman.

A few seconds more and he feels something in his mouth again. This time, it's a piece of beef and he distinctly remembers having chicken for dinner! So he says to the woman, "What's the matter with you? Are you sick or something?"

The woman replies, "No. But I think the guy before you was."

RedskinRat · 10-31-2006, 05:00 PM

A duck walks into a bar and says " Got any bread?"

And the barman says "No"

And the duck says "Got any bread?"

And the barman, "No!".

Duck "Got any bread?"

Barman "I said, N-O NO!"

Duck "Got any bread?"

Barman "For cryin' out loud - N-O spells NO and I mean NO!!"

Duck "Got any bread?"

Barman, now incandescent with rage "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!"

Duck, oblivious to the obvious signs of danger "Got any bread?"

Barman, losing his last vestige of sanity "Look, if you ask me one more fucking time if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your fucking beak to the fucking bar, you stupid, feathered cunt!! WE HAVE NO FUCKING BREAD!!!"

Duck "Got any nails?"

Barman "No!"

Duck "Got any bread?"

RedskinRat · 10-31-2006, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigRed

My (poor) joke contribution:

The woman replies, "No. But I think the guy before you was."

however.......:vomit:

JoeRedskin · 10-31-2006, 05:13 PM

Three nuns are going into heaven and St. Peter stops them at the gate.

"Sorry ladies, I know your nuns but everyone has to answer one question before they can get into heaven. Given your life's work, I will be sure to make the questions simple."

The nuns, taken aback at having to pass a quiz to get into heaven, nonetheless agree to do so - "let God's will be done, ask away".

So St. Peter turns to the first nun and asks "Who was the first man?"
The nun replies quickly - "Ohh that's an EASY one, ADAM!"
As soon as the nun says the name "Adam", the pearly gates fly open, angels sing, trumpets blare and cherubim guide the nun into heaven.

St. Peter turns to the second nun and asks "Who was the first woman?"
The second nun also replies quickly - "Ohh that's an EASY one, EVE!"
Again, as soon as the nun answers, the pearly gates fly open, angels sing, trumpets blare and cherubim guide the nun into heaven.

Encouraged the third nun awaits her question. St. Peter turns to her and asks "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
Somewhat perplexed, the third nun replies - "Gee, that's a hard one..."
Immediately, the pearly gates fly open, angels sing, trumpets blare and cherubim guide the nun into heaven.

RedskinRat · 11-02-2006, 02:09 AM

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,
the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon
making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided
the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his
bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up
the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying
to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in
a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at
the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the
whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the
shit out of a ghost"

EternalEnigma21 · 11-02-2006, 03:11 AM

one for the kids...

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink...

the bartender says, "we don't serve strings here"

so the string walks outside and unravels a bit, and twists himself all up and walks right back in and orders a drink.

bartender says, "we don't serve strings here"

string says, "Im not a string"

Bartender, "you are too"

string, "Im afraid not"

EternalEnigma21 · 11-02-2006, 03:13 AM

Q: what did the mushroom say when he got turned down for a date?

A: why not, I'm a fun guy?

Hail2theskins · 11-02-2006, 05:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by canthetuna

Q: what did the mushroom say when he got turned down for a date?

A: why not, I'm a fun guy?

i dont get it

10-27-2006, 05:28 PM	#31
TheMalcolmConnection I like big (_\|_)s. Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Lexington, Virginia Age: 43 Posts: 19,225	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em :vomit: __________________ Regret nothing. At one time it was exactly what you wanted.

10-27-2006, 07:15 PM	#32
RobH4413 Wildcard Bitches Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Bethesda, MD Age: 39 Posts: 2,638	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em A priest, rabbi, horse, and a pirate all walk into a bar. The bartender says "What's this a joke?" __________________ This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!

10-31-2006, 12:38 PM	#33
jbcjr14 The Starter Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Austin, Texas Age: 54 Posts: 2,015	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em Halloween Humor... A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for him to go and have a good time. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!" __________________ "Work Harder: millions on welfare are counting on you" - Obama 2009 address to Congress.

10-31-2006, 02:52 PM	#34
jamf Pro Bowl Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: San Diego Ca Posts: 5,314	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em RedskinsRat: That was great!

10-31-2006, 03:27 PM	#36
RedskinRat Franchise Player Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: I'm in LA, trick! Posts: 8,700	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em Two English slappers (sluts) walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah, what's it called?" Sharon inexpertly says "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi?" says Tracy, "What the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?" +++++++++++++++++++++ There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps wife on the shoulder and starts stroking her back. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

10-31-2006, 03:45 PM	#37
dmek25 MVP Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: lancaster,pa Age: 63 Posts: 10,672	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em those are quality, especially the last one __________________ "It's better to be quiet and thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt." courtesy of 53fan

10-31-2006, 04:57 PM	#38
BigRed Camp Scrub Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Leesburg, VA Age: 50 Posts: 67	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em My (poor) joke contribution: * * * * * * * * * * Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history. * * * * * * * * * * A guy meets this woman at a bar and takes her back to his place. One thing leads to another and the man starts to eat her out. While he is doing this, he feels something in his mouth. He pulls a pea out of his mouth. He thinks this must be from his dinner and he goes back to what he was doing. A few seconds later, and he feels something else in his mouth. He opens his mouth and he pulls out a piece of carrot. Now he doesn't recall having any carrots in his dinner, but decides he may have forgotten and he keeps on eating out the woman. A few seconds more and he feels something in his mouth again. This time, it's a piece of beef and he distinctly remembers having chicken for dinner! So he says to the woman, "What's the matter with you? Are you sick or something?" The woman replies, "No. But I think the guy before you was."

10-31-2006, 05:00 PM	#39
RedskinRat Franchise Player Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: I'm in LA, trick! Posts: 8,700	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em A duck walks into a bar and says " Got any bread?" And the barman says "No" And the duck says "Got any bread?" And the barman, "No!". Duck "Got any bread?" Barman "I said, N-O NO!" Duck "Got any bread?" Barman "For cryin' out loud - N-O spells NO and I mean NO!!" Duck "Got any bread?" Barman, now incandescent with rage "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!" Duck, oblivious to the obvious signs of danger "Got any bread?" Barman, losing his last vestige of sanity "Look, if you ask me one more fucking time if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your fucking beak to the fucking bar, you stupid, feathered cunt!! WE HAVE NO FUCKING BREAD!!!" Duck "Got any nails?" Barman "No!" Duck "Got any bread?"

10-31-2006, 05:13 PM	#41
JoeRedskin Contains football related knowledge Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Second Star On The Right Age: 61 Posts: 10,401	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em Three nuns are going into heaven and St. Peter stops them at the gate. "Sorry ladies, I know your nuns but everyone has to answer one question before they can get into heaven. Given your life's work, I will be sure to make the questions simple." The nuns, taken aback at having to pass a quiz to get into heaven, nonetheless agree to do so - "let God's will be done, ask away". So St. Peter turns to the first nun and asks "Who was the first man?" The nun replies quickly - "Ohh that's an EASY one, ADAM!" As soon as the nun says the name "Adam", the pearly gates fly open, angels sing, trumpets blare and cherubim guide the nun into heaven. St. Peter turns to the second nun and asks "Who was the first woman?" The second nun also replies quickly - "Ohh that's an EASY one, EVE!" Again, as soon as the nun answers, the pearly gates fly open, angels sing, trumpets blare and cherubim guide the nun into heaven. Encouraged the third nun awaits her question. St. Peter turns to her and asks "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Somewhat perplexed, the third nun replies - "Gee, that's a hard one..." Immediately, the pearly gates fly open, angels sing, trumpets blare and cherubim guide the nun into heaven. __________________ Strap it up, hold onto the ball, and let’s go.

11-02-2006, 02:09 AM	#42
RedskinRat Franchise Player Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: I'm in LA, trick! Posts: 8,700	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"

11-02-2006, 03:11 AM	#43
EternalEnigma21 Assistant Regional Mod Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Carbondale CO Age: 44 Posts: 2,958	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em one for the kids... A string walks into a bar and orders a drink... the bartender says, "we don't serve strings here" so the string walks outside and unravels a bit, and twists himself all up and walks right back in and orders a drink. bartender says, "we don't serve strings here" string says, "Im not a string" Bartender, "you are too" string, "Im afraid not" __________________ I am the brute squad.

11-02-2006, 03:13 AM	#44
EternalEnigma21 Assistant Regional Mod Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Carbondale CO Age: 44 Posts: 2,958	Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em Q: what did the mushroom say when he got turned down for a date? A: why not, I'm a fun guy? __________________ I am the brute squad.

Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em

Parking Lot