Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em

[SkinsLove24/7]

Why did God create Adam first?



He didn't want anyone telling him how to make a man.

[mooby]

Two flies were sitting on a toilet seat. One got pissed off.

Thank you, i'm here all week lol

[ArtMonkDrillz]

Why do women have boobs?

So you have something to look at when they're talking. (Thank you, Peter Griffin)

[ArtMonkDrillz]

**EDIT**
Nevermind!

[RedskinRat]

BBI Corner Forum

[mooby]

This isn't a joke but it's a really nasty pickup line that you could try if you were approaching a redneck chick.

Did you just fart? if so, you blew me away lololol.

[jbcjr14]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[jbcjr14]

At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[jbcjr14]

Last one for the day....

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[GhettoDogAllStars]

Hahahaha -- good jokes everybody.

Here's a lame one:

What does Michael Jackson love about twenty-eight year olds? ...







There's twenty of them!
hardy har har

[RedskinRat]

Ah...chat up lines....

Ahem:

Young drunken man: "Can I smell your feet?"

Haughty young lady: "No, certainly NOT!"

Young drunken man: "Oh, must be your cunt then"

[jbcjr14]

10 Halloween Phrases that sound dirty....

10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag.... Oh! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees, and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

[Monk-Fan]

This is a joke from a guy i was stationed with in Florida, he had all kinds of weird jokes. This one stuck in my head for some reason.

What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?


Putting her back in the wheel chair!

[RedskinRat]

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico ." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.

This time, she comes back pretty messed up - she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

"The cord was fine, but what the fuck is a Pinata?"

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A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?"

The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always something in everyones life."

Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow..."

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A man walks into the Bank of America and shouts to the woman at the counter: "I want to open a fucking bank account". The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you - what did you say?" "Listen up, you fuck. I said I want to open a fucking bank account - right now!!" demands the man.

The shocked woman remembers her training and says "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank, I will get you my Manager".

The cashier leaves the counter and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no fucking problem" the man says. "I just won 150 million dollars in the fucking lotto and I just want to open a fucking bank account, you stupid fuck... is that okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this fat ugly bitch giving you a hard time?"

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A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in DC rush hour traffic and thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Cop replies, "It's Mark Brunell. He's just so depressed about his life - having to give up being starting QB, the thought of the disruption amongst his beloved Redskins, negative national football coverage, letting down the coaches, plaers and fans so badly that he's stopped his car in the middle of the 495 and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says he doesn't have the money to pay for his new house in Jacksonville. We're taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "About three hundred gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning."



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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[JoeRedskin]

Okay, Here's one for the married (or soon to be) guys:

A guy is out drinking with his buddies and realizes it is waayyyy later than he realized and knows that his wife is gonna give him shit six ways to sunday for getting home so late. One of his buddies says to him "Don't worry, I have the perfect solution - it always works for me. Just go home, crawl under the covers give her oral sex til she orgasms and all will be well." So the guy does just that, comes in the door quietly, strips down, sneaks into the darkened bedroom, straight under the covers and does the dirty deed until she moans deeply and rolls over. Thinking all is well he quietly heads to the bathroom and, as he does so, sees his wife coming out. She whispers to him "Shhhhh, keep quiet - my mom came over to stay the night and she's sleeping in our bed.