[over the mountain]

yeah, my lady is very inconsistent. some weeks she is great, but then i can just see her progressively going down for a week until she hits rock bottom and its like vietnam. its brutal to be around. it has pushed us to the brink a few times. at the very very worst, she has a panic/anxiety/ptsd attack and starts shaking and everything out of her mouth is doom and gloom.

ive told her more than once that when i see the signs she is slipping into her dark place I just want to go stay at my parents or something and just let her deal with it for the week or two she needs. no matter what i say or do to help it only makes me the target of rage.

i feel like im just being selfish and really abandoning my partner at her most desperate time of need but man .... it is tough. its verbally and sometime physically abusive. sometimes when she is in rage i literally get up and walk away to a corner of the room.

ive told her she needs help or medication but that is met with understandable resistance. no person wants to admit they are crazy. she says we both need counseling, which i am open to if it means she gets in the door but when i looked its like $150 per session. she has a lot of mental illness on her side of the family, her aunt is borderline bipolar and actually attacked her a few weeks ago when she was visiting her. i could only hope she could see the parallels of her aunt's behavior and herself but if she did make note of it, she didnt outwardly say it to me.

i think part of what drives her problems is that deep down i think she knows she has a problem .. and that only makes the problem worse.

right now we are very good but i know this will only last a few weeks until i start seeing signs that she is slipping into an episode. a month or so ago i literally had to leave the apartment bc she was yelling and irrational and i knew if baltimore city cops get called, they are knocking at gun point.


lol thank goodness the internet is anonymous (to some degree). where else can you unload some deep personal thoughts without fear of judgment, things getting thrown back in your face or speaking with a family member about this only to now have that family member judge your wife.

sorry for airing my dirty laundry. i do it a lot on here. im sure half hate it and the other half dont mind bc it makes them feel better about their own lives. i dont necessarily do it to get help or hear responses as much as just typing it helps get things off my chest. so ty warpath.