BigSKINBauer
08-11-2005, 04:19 AM
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/3876730
When the NFL finds itself in our topical crosshairs, I don't play favorites.
That's an easy commitment. With the league still defined by cap-cramped parity, it's difficult to generate favorites.
With rosters shifting from high road to hell in mere months, developing an advanced distaste for one team is a breeze. For the record, I also believe the NFL is the most compelling major professional sports league in the United States.
Perhaps this galloping interest has something to do with perceived fiscal responsibility. And much of this perceived fiscal responsibility is generated by a lack of guaranteed contracts. Put Gene Upshaw in charge of the NBA players' union and Allen Houston may have become a broadcaster years ago.
Anyway, most of us can produce reasonable excuses for hating every team in the NFL.
Unfortunately, I promised this website's content brokers that it would be no problem to whittle my hate list to 10.
This will lead to caterwauling from readers who may not find their most-hated teams on the roster.
Please realize that after considerable weighing of the associated cons, the following list reflects the 10 easiest teams to despise. Some teams attract hate because they're relentlessly successful. Some don't.
Exempt from consideration is The NFL Today team from CBS.
Also failing to meet certain hate requirements are the Arizona Cardinals, who merely serve as proof that Sun Devil Stadium is home to a pair of teams incapable of winning the Pac-10.
Yeah, the Cardinals are magazine-prediction darlings of the NFC West, but they might as well be receiving their mail back in Missouri. Show me something, Denny Green, and I'll believe.
Close to qualifying for the hated hierarchy were the Miami Dolphins, who once again employ unrepentant quitter Ricky Williams. Ricky's unofficial return from his yoga party occurred on Monday Night Football, during which he sported a hideous beard that may provide about five percent of his alleged bodyweight.
We're not sure if Williams realized he'd just invented dread whiskers.
The Denver Broncos were in the running, thanks to the off-season personnel work of head coach Mike Shanahan. Mike took advantage of a buy-one, get-three-free sale of Cleveland Browns linemen. He also traded for a punter who may be a candidate for a roughing-the-kick-blocker penalty, and used a third-round pick to select the notorious Maurice Clarett. It should be noted that Clarett recently proved he's actually fast enough to pull a groin. That's an impressive list of castaways. But it's time to allow the true hatin' to begin:
Baltimore Ravens
The variables add up in a hurry.
Beyond the shaky details of his murder-case involvement, linebacker Ray Lewis gains points with a player-introduction dance that suggests the stun gun is a major prop in Riverdance.
Teammate Jamal Lewis has just been released from the hoosegow, which was the reward for allegedly having his cell phone used in a drug deal. The Ravens are thrilled that Jamal doesn't have a machete that some pal can borrow.
Coach Brian Billick didn't need Jamal to put the con in condescending. He can do that all by himself.
But the true measure of Raven hatred has been established by team owner Art "Runway" Modell, who dragged the franchise out of Cleveland without bothering to liberate the city of Drew Carey.
Dallas Cowboys
This was an easy choice.
For me, hating the Cowboys began during the hoity-toity days of legendary coach Tom Landry. Sure, I respected Landry and his shift-shaping offense. But the finesse-oriented nature of his attack seemed as incongruous to professional football as a champagne flute is to beer.
Recent upgrades in hate are provided by Bill "Big Tuna" Parcells, who looks great for a man old enough to have invented football.
Keyshawn Johnson, his hand-picked receiver, produced a self-inspired literary effort called Just Throw Me The Damn Ball. Any updating of this premise should provide the impetus for a companion tome called Just Shake The Damn Cornerback.
However, the key to all Dallas Cowboys hatred is egomaniacal owner Jerry Jones, whose current face remains under warranty.
Green Bay Packers
As a lad, I used to sit around the cave and use my torch to read Packer-related etchings on the walls. I was fan enough to know that Fuzzy Thurston was not an umbrella drink.
But I have to acknowledge the contemporary Packers' potential for peripheral hate.
Let's start with Brett Favre, a truly great quarterback recently admired for overcoming one personal crisis after another.
It's too bad that much of his on-field greatness is tempered by even worse decision-making than what was accomplished by the people who used to dress Cher.
Teaming up with Brett to unnerve fans and gamblers is running back Ahman Green, a certified star whose acute fumbling continued until he received a wrist-accessory tip from John Madden.
Note: The Lambeau Leap had enough vertical to jump the shark years ago.
I also refuse to embrace the cheesehead-triangle hat until someone wears a lid that resembles a wine bottle.
New York Giants
Any team that represents such a commanding city is overdue for some grief.
Our lead-off man is second-year quarterback Eli Manning. Perhaps it didn't bother you, but his pre-draft, anti-San Diego pouting routine almost had me ralphing corn chips all over the sofa. The only man I'll allow to manipulate the draft is Mel Kiper Jr.
Eli is abetted by head coach Tom Coughlin, who made news last year by insisting that a 9 a.m. meeting begins at 8:45. Well, if Manning doesn't come through in a hurry, Tom's extra 15 minutes may be up.
Not to be forgotten is tight end Jeremy Shockey, whose performance/fame ratio suggests that in New York, less is more.
New York Jets
Even though Jets hero Joe Namath was one of my favorite players, he still ranks as one of the most overrated quarterbacks in NFL history.
Current Jets QB Chad Pennington insists that it's an honor to cover his team. Unfortunately, it's not much of an honor (or challenge) to cover some of his receivers.
It also should be noted that the only social value attributed to "J-e-t-s ... Jets, Jets! JETS!" occurs when the chanting drowns out ESPN's Chris Berman on draft broadcasts.
Oakland Raiders
In weighing the greatest examples of retreating genius, Al Davis should be considered the Woody Allen of pro football. Al converted many fans to haters by threatening to move the Raiders to any city capable of erecting a venue with luxury suites.
Despite the seeming end of his musical chairs, this remains a franchise — and fan base — in denial. With the exception of the team that absorbed a Super Bowl rout in San Diego, the Raiders have been relative chumps for years.
What's my solution? Two eye patches.
It doesn't hurt to employ Randy Moss, although putting Moss in silver and black seems even more frightening than suiting up Martha Stewart as deep threat on The View.
Philadelphia Eagles
Gotta offer proper respect to the fans — they booed Santa Claus. Now he coaches the team. It's a shame these loyal loudmouths didn't realize the elves deserved much more grief than Santa.
Anyway, I sort of like Donovan McNabb, but would prefer that — instead of Chunky Soup — he open a can of whup-ass a bit more often.
The hatred clincher is, of course, Terrell Owens.
T.O. has failed to realize that even though he plays in the West Coast offense, he works in a city with East Coast sensibilities.
Let's crystallize this arrangement: putting Owens in Philly is as strategically kaput as hiring Michael Jackson to play Branson, Mo.
St. Louis Rams
Anyone not in St. Louis has to despise owner Georgia Frontiere, who put the shrew in shrewd.
How'd she manage that? Well, during her getaway dance in Anaheim, she secured a lousy on-field product and subsequent fan disinterest by bringing back Chuck Knox. Georgia's equal is coach Mike Martz, an offensive-minded fellow who burns more timeouts than a day-care temp.
Under Mike's watch, the 2004 Rams had a turnover ratio of minus-24; that's just a bit worse than the employee roster at any self-respecting convenience store.
San Francisco 49ers
This hate listing has very little to do with that controversial film produced and directed by the Niners' media relations guy.
For the record, this cinematic work won first prize at the Canned Film Festival.
But 49ers fans should even hate this team after grotesque mismanagement twisted it from model franchise to first in the draft rotation.
Washington Redskins
Owner Daniel Snyder helped his team secure an automatic hate bid.
After throwing millions at limping veteran players, Snyder tossed his checkbook at Steve Spurrier. Then he lobbed it at Joe Gibbs.
According to league insiders, Snyder may pay for a séance to conjure George Allen and/or Vince Lombardi.
By the way, the team nickname is offensive. My suggestion for its replacement is Washington Pasty White Guys.
Even though he was taking a swing at the insufferable fans of the Dallas Cowboys, Gibbs did his part in helping the franchise earn a spot on this list.
In case you missed it, Joe said Cowboys fans were the ugliest people on the planet.
Then he said it was a joke.
Gibbs does this every year. Last year's joke was installing Mark Brunell as his starting quarterback.
When the NFL finds itself in our topical crosshairs, I don't play favorites.
That's an easy commitment. With the league still defined by cap-cramped parity, it's difficult to generate favorites.
With rosters shifting from high road to hell in mere months, developing an advanced distaste for one team is a breeze. For the record, I also believe the NFL is the most compelling major professional sports league in the United States.
Perhaps this galloping interest has something to do with perceived fiscal responsibility. And much of this perceived fiscal responsibility is generated by a lack of guaranteed contracts. Put Gene Upshaw in charge of the NBA players' union and Allen Houston may have become a broadcaster years ago.
Anyway, most of us can produce reasonable excuses for hating every team in the NFL.
Unfortunately, I promised this website's content brokers that it would be no problem to whittle my hate list to 10.
This will lead to caterwauling from readers who may not find their most-hated teams on the roster.
Please realize that after considerable weighing of the associated cons, the following list reflects the 10 easiest teams to despise. Some teams attract hate because they're relentlessly successful. Some don't.
Exempt from consideration is The NFL Today team from CBS.
Also failing to meet certain hate requirements are the Arizona Cardinals, who merely serve as proof that Sun Devil Stadium is home to a pair of teams incapable of winning the Pac-10.
Yeah, the Cardinals are magazine-prediction darlings of the NFC West, but they might as well be receiving their mail back in Missouri. Show me something, Denny Green, and I'll believe.
Close to qualifying for the hated hierarchy were the Miami Dolphins, who once again employ unrepentant quitter Ricky Williams. Ricky's unofficial return from his yoga party occurred on Monday Night Football, during which he sported a hideous beard that may provide about five percent of his alleged bodyweight.
We're not sure if Williams realized he'd just invented dread whiskers.
The Denver Broncos were in the running, thanks to the off-season personnel work of head coach Mike Shanahan. Mike took advantage of a buy-one, get-three-free sale of Cleveland Browns linemen. He also traded for a punter who may be a candidate for a roughing-the-kick-blocker penalty, and used a third-round pick to select the notorious Maurice Clarett. It should be noted that Clarett recently proved he's actually fast enough to pull a groin. That's an impressive list of castaways. But it's time to allow the true hatin' to begin:
Baltimore Ravens
The variables add up in a hurry.
Beyond the shaky details of his murder-case involvement, linebacker Ray Lewis gains points with a player-introduction dance that suggests the stun gun is a major prop in Riverdance.
Teammate Jamal Lewis has just been released from the hoosegow, which was the reward for allegedly having his cell phone used in a drug deal. The Ravens are thrilled that Jamal doesn't have a machete that some pal can borrow.
Coach Brian Billick didn't need Jamal to put the con in condescending. He can do that all by himself.
But the true measure of Raven hatred has been established by team owner Art "Runway" Modell, who dragged the franchise out of Cleveland without bothering to liberate the city of Drew Carey.
Dallas Cowboys
This was an easy choice.
For me, hating the Cowboys began during the hoity-toity days of legendary coach Tom Landry. Sure, I respected Landry and his shift-shaping offense. But the finesse-oriented nature of his attack seemed as incongruous to professional football as a champagne flute is to beer.
Recent upgrades in hate are provided by Bill "Big Tuna" Parcells, who looks great for a man old enough to have invented football.
Keyshawn Johnson, his hand-picked receiver, produced a self-inspired literary effort called Just Throw Me The Damn Ball. Any updating of this premise should provide the impetus for a companion tome called Just Shake The Damn Cornerback.
However, the key to all Dallas Cowboys hatred is egomaniacal owner Jerry Jones, whose current face remains under warranty.
Green Bay Packers
As a lad, I used to sit around the cave and use my torch to read Packer-related etchings on the walls. I was fan enough to know that Fuzzy Thurston was not an umbrella drink.
But I have to acknowledge the contemporary Packers' potential for peripheral hate.
Let's start with Brett Favre, a truly great quarterback recently admired for overcoming one personal crisis after another.
It's too bad that much of his on-field greatness is tempered by even worse decision-making than what was accomplished by the people who used to dress Cher.
Teaming up with Brett to unnerve fans and gamblers is running back Ahman Green, a certified star whose acute fumbling continued until he received a wrist-accessory tip from John Madden.
Note: The Lambeau Leap had enough vertical to jump the shark years ago.
I also refuse to embrace the cheesehead-triangle hat until someone wears a lid that resembles a wine bottle.
New York Giants
Any team that represents such a commanding city is overdue for some grief.
Our lead-off man is second-year quarterback Eli Manning. Perhaps it didn't bother you, but his pre-draft, anti-San Diego pouting routine almost had me ralphing corn chips all over the sofa. The only man I'll allow to manipulate the draft is Mel Kiper Jr.
Eli is abetted by head coach Tom Coughlin, who made news last year by insisting that a 9 a.m. meeting begins at 8:45. Well, if Manning doesn't come through in a hurry, Tom's extra 15 minutes may be up.
Not to be forgotten is tight end Jeremy Shockey, whose performance/fame ratio suggests that in New York, less is more.
New York Jets
Even though Jets hero Joe Namath was one of my favorite players, he still ranks as one of the most overrated quarterbacks in NFL history.
Current Jets QB Chad Pennington insists that it's an honor to cover his team. Unfortunately, it's not much of an honor (or challenge) to cover some of his receivers.
It also should be noted that the only social value attributed to "J-e-t-s ... Jets, Jets! JETS!" occurs when the chanting drowns out ESPN's Chris Berman on draft broadcasts.
Oakland Raiders
In weighing the greatest examples of retreating genius, Al Davis should be considered the Woody Allen of pro football. Al converted many fans to haters by threatening to move the Raiders to any city capable of erecting a venue with luxury suites.
Despite the seeming end of his musical chairs, this remains a franchise — and fan base — in denial. With the exception of the team that absorbed a Super Bowl rout in San Diego, the Raiders have been relative chumps for years.
What's my solution? Two eye patches.
It doesn't hurt to employ Randy Moss, although putting Moss in silver and black seems even more frightening than suiting up Martha Stewart as deep threat on The View.
Philadelphia Eagles
Gotta offer proper respect to the fans — they booed Santa Claus. Now he coaches the team. It's a shame these loyal loudmouths didn't realize the elves deserved much more grief than Santa.
Anyway, I sort of like Donovan McNabb, but would prefer that — instead of Chunky Soup — he open a can of whup-ass a bit more often.
The hatred clincher is, of course, Terrell Owens.
T.O. has failed to realize that even though he plays in the West Coast offense, he works in a city with East Coast sensibilities.
Let's crystallize this arrangement: putting Owens in Philly is as strategically kaput as hiring Michael Jackson to play Branson, Mo.
St. Louis Rams
Anyone not in St. Louis has to despise owner Georgia Frontiere, who put the shrew in shrewd.
How'd she manage that? Well, during her getaway dance in Anaheim, she secured a lousy on-field product and subsequent fan disinterest by bringing back Chuck Knox. Georgia's equal is coach Mike Martz, an offensive-minded fellow who burns more timeouts than a day-care temp.
Under Mike's watch, the 2004 Rams had a turnover ratio of minus-24; that's just a bit worse than the employee roster at any self-respecting convenience store.
San Francisco 49ers
This hate listing has very little to do with that controversial film produced and directed by the Niners' media relations guy.
For the record, this cinematic work won first prize at the Canned Film Festival.
But 49ers fans should even hate this team after grotesque mismanagement twisted it from model franchise to first in the draft rotation.
Washington Redskins
Owner Daniel Snyder helped his team secure an automatic hate bid.
After throwing millions at limping veteran players, Snyder tossed his checkbook at Steve Spurrier. Then he lobbed it at Joe Gibbs.
According to league insiders, Snyder may pay for a séance to conjure George Allen and/or Vince Lombardi.
By the way, the team nickname is offensive. My suggestion for its replacement is Washington Pasty White Guys.
Even though he was taking a swing at the insufferable fans of the Dallas Cowboys, Gibbs did his part in helping the franchise earn a spot on this list.
In case you missed it, Joe said Cowboys fans were the ugliest people on the planet.
Then he said it was a joke.
Gibbs does this every year. Last year's joke was installing Mark Brunell as his starting quarterback.