Profiles In Cowardice

Or, Why I'm Not Going to the Bills Game

The last regular season home game I missed was on December 24th, 2005. I have two young sons, and Christmas comes first. So, despite a late season playoff push by an explosive team, I stayed home. I missed Santana Claus coming to town for the tune of 160 yards. I missed Clinton Portis rolling up 108 yards to set the single season team record. I missed Patrick Ramsey throwing his last pass as a Washington Redskin (I wouldn't say I missed it, Bob (http://imdb.com/title/tt0151804/).). I haven't missed any more.

So why am I home typing this?

I learned a very difficult lesson last year. On September 11, 2006, we hosted the Minnesota Vikings for the first game of the season, the first game of a Monday Night doubleheader. There were lots of reasons the game was supposed to be noteworthy: the Redskins were fresh off a playoff run against a rookie head coach in Brad Childress, Brad Johnson was returning to FedEx Field to face the team who jilted him for Brad George, and it was the fifth anniversary of the terror attack on New York and the nearby Pentagon that galvanized our country, if only for a brief while.

It was also five days after my mother had lost a fight with cancer, and two days after her funeral. Frankly, I needed the distraction that the lowly Vikings were to provide.

To be fair, I started celebrating our inevitable victory on the three hour drive to the stadium. It was a warm evening, but it could have been cold by the time my dad and I arrived, because I wasn't feeling anything. When asked how I was by friends in the parking lot, I answered "I'm looking forward to this beatdown." We were so much better than the Vikings on paper, but as Kenny Mayne is quick to remind us, games aren't played on paper, they're played inside television sets.

Has anyone here ever driven a car that was leaking oil, but you didn't know it? The engine runs fine, then BAM! You've thrown a rod, and nothing works. That's what happened to me that Monday night. When John Hall's kick sailed wide in the closing seconds to keep the Redskins from tying that game, all of the pain and grief that football had insulated me from came crashing into me like a wrecking ball. I felt bad quite a bit that week, understandably, but that moment was the worst of it. I seized up, like a car without oil. My father tells me that I had a moment of absolute clarity, told him (and I quote) "I have invested way too much of my emotional well-being in this game," and shut down in the passenger seat of his car. He helped me into my house three hours later.

My fear is that 92,000 people are going to learn the same lesson I did. None of us are as close to Sean Taylor as they are to their mother, but FedEx Field is going to be full of fans who will be there sharing their grief, looking for distractions, and hoping for something to take them past this senseless death. What if the something they want doesn't come? What if the 53 men on our sideline can't get past their own sense of loss to defeat a depleted Bills team?

That fear hangs over me like a spectre. I hope with all my heart that everyone at that game doesn't have to face what might come, but I'm too damn scared to find out myself. I'm sorry.

Wow. Thank you, BrudLee.

You have just perfectly articulated what I have been feeling and fearing this entire week leading up to this game.

As much as I love the Redskins and have lived and died with them every Sunday, I fear that I, too, am sometimes far too wrapped up in this game. Sean Taylor's death should give us all a much needed dose of perspective. I am no psychologist, but I would imagine there are far healthier ways to deal with the emotions and pain of losing Sean Taylor than to bank it all on a win this Sunday, and the next, and the next.

Talk with your family, talk with your friends, reminisce, share your thoughts and memories and find some closure.

Thank you for sharing, and thank you for the insight, Brud. I would imagine a number of other fans share this feeling, even if they don't know it yet.

It'll be an Irish Wake for me. I'm not going for the game but the family and friends and to honor and remember my favorite current Redskin.

I still think we will pull together and play a great game.

Thanks for the thoughst and feelings.
Enjoy the game from home bro.
peace
mike

You might still hear me yelling. I'm only in Delaware.

I share how you feel and I think that a loss today would be devistating and just something else on the pile. I really feel this Sean Taylor situation has not hit me yet, at all. I just do not know how to take it. Its been weird. I am going to the game and I think the pregame ceremony and the markings on the field and such should bring this full circle for me. I am going to the game because I want to honor Sean and I think the players will be doing the same. For me this game is not about a win or a loss, its about our fallen hero.

Brud - I had a car sieze up, but in my case it was because I was young, foolish and valued my beer budget over the art of the oil change.

Great post, and I can TOTALLY relate. But if it makes you feel better, we only live with this intensity for a few months out of the year so enjoy.

I do think almost all fans don't care about the win in the normal sense. No one is really worried about the playoffs right now. No one cares. But, you are right; We need this game to start moving on from the tragedy. It will hurt a lot if we lose. It'll sting even harder, salt on the wound.

yeah, im expecting a loss today, but will be happy with a win. I completely understand if they lose, but I'm going to watch because they're going to play. I wish they didn't have to play today, but this is the situation, so here I am.

My emotions involved here havent been supressed. Looking at that picture of him with his daughter and looking at my own 18 month old little girl tears me apart. Watching the tributes today on all of the pregame shows have broken me down and I'm sure I'll shed a tear during the moment of silence at the game. Hopefully the game will provide a little bit of a distraction, but I'll take it play for play instead of letting anything ride on the outcome.

I think deep down no one thought we were going to make the playoffs. Our injuries are hurting back, we're missing so many starters (one of them forever :(), it was VERY unlikely. I didn't care if we didn't win another game this year, I just wanted this one for Sean.

Not for me, not for the fans, but for Sean.

I really thought we were gonna come out today and take it to 'em. I BELIEVED it. It was a tough let down today. I just hope we stay together as a team. Just stay together guys. It's just so tough b/c we were looking to Gibbs as a team to lead us, and while the entire loss isn't his fault, he made it a lot easier for Buffalo in the end. This is very, very hard to take.