Letters to Santa

I tried to search for "santa", but apparently the word is too common, or too long/short. Sorry if this has been posted already.

deer stanta:


I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a

gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend, BiLLy


Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn

care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can

learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother

the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I

ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah


Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't

they?

Santa



Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,

I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.

Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy


Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen

door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that

up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his

a&& constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let

me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can

build yourself a family with those? Santa


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.

Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love,

Francis


Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're

gay.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I

left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan


Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart

in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do

me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.

Santa



Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you

busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China

Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas

bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of

my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by

drinking myself silly and squeezing the a&&es of

cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps

table. Santa


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know

when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever

you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa



Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please

please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy


Timmy,

That whiney begging sh*it may work with your folks,

but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an

ugly sweater again. Santa



Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get

into our home?

Love, Marky


Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why

you're getting you’re a&& kicked at school. Second,

you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent,

ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad

just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom

window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

Fantastic!

Over the past few years I've taken over the duty of answering my 9 year old sister's letter to Santa that she writes on Christmas Eve; looks like I have some inspiration for this year's response.

Fantastic!

Over the past few years I've taken over the duty of answering my 9 year old sister's letter to Santa that she writes on Christmas Eve; looks like I have some inspiration for this year's response.

Haha. Just make sure she leaves some Jim Beam, for "Santa". ;)

Haha. Just make sure she leaves some Jim Beam, for "Santa". ;)

I have it on good authority that "Santa" prefers Jack and Coke, but it's all good.

good post. i love the holidays