F awkward moments as a child

Inspired by the Vick vs. Campbell thread....

Didn't you hate it when you were alone in the car with a relative that you see once every five years. There always like "soooo, your in 7th grade now, hows that going?"... (Then the monotone noise of tires in contact with the pavement along with occasional winshield wipe fills the painfull gap between responses)...

How about when your at your best buddies house and his parents pull the "Nicholas, can we talk for a minute" and your left there wondering what the hell is going on (and usually why his house smells like organic food and cat pee). An argument usually follows, and you have to go back home like 5 minutes after you got there.

F that...

How about when your parents try to have "the talk" with you?

Here's how my pops handled it, he went out and rented an educational video on the topic and told my brother and I to watch it. We just laughed and said whatever Dad, we already know about that stuff.

I never, NEVER talked to my mom about sex. Except for the time I told her I wasn't a virgin and I was like 19 (I was a 5 year vet) at the time and she almost had a freaking stroke ! So you fast forward 10 years and I'm married. My mother has a dream about fish and now wants to talk about sex with me now. That was an awkward moment to say the least.

How about when your parents try to have "the talk" with you?

Here's how my pops handled it, he went out and rented an educational video on the topic and told my brother and I to watch it. We just laughed and said whatever Dad, we already know about that stuff.

Damn, my pops did the same thing!

My mom had a different approach. Her exact words. "Listen, you want to spend some time with a girl. You know, and you want your privacy your father and I understand that. Just check in to a hotel room for a night...but be sure to charge it to the family credit card so I can get frequent flyer miles"

My mom went back to college to become a nurse when I was in grade school. When it came time for us to learn about sex ed in school (I think it was in 5th grade or something) she decided she didn't want me to go into class knowing nothing, so she broke out her medical text books. That stuff scared the crap out of me.

ON a different note, I used to hate getting dragged to weddings for people I didn't really know, and I have a huge family so it happened a lot. First off, you felt uncomfortable in your dress clothes, then you had to sit there quietly (they were usually Catholic services no less), and then your parents would get drunk and act all "weird." Maybe no one else had to experience that kind of thing, but I hated it.

Damn, my pops did the same thing!

My mom had a different approach. Her exact words. "Listen, you want to spend some time with a girl. You know, and you want your privacy your father and I understand that. Just check in to a hotel room for a night...but be sure to charge it to the family credit card so I can get frequent flyer miles"
My dad asked me if I knew what rubbers were back when I was like 11...

I responded with "They're what you and mom use when you put your dresser in front of the door so we can't get in"...

He died laughing and realized "the talk" probably wasn't necessary.

I remember in 6th grade they divided up the boys and girls and showed us a movie, god was it horrible. I remember being freaked out when I learned what a period was.

My Dad's the talk was short and sweet - he gave it to me over lunch when I worked in his shop (he was a self-employed cabinet maker). I was 14 at the time.

Dad: I assume you know where babies come from. Got any questions about sex?
Me: ummmmm, no?
Dad: Good. Only thing you need to know is that, if you get a girl pregnant - you WILL be supporting that child until it is 18. Got it?
Me: ummmm, yes.
Dad: Good. No get back to work.

Ahhh Dad - I learned all my people skills from that man.

How about when your parents try to have "the talk" with you?

Here's how my pops handled it, he went out and rented an educational video on the topic and told my brother and I to watch it. We just laughed and said whatever Dad, we already know about that stuff.

Porn is NOT an educational video. Except in some circles.

Seriously though, my mom actually put my stepdad up to it and he comes into my room after I first started dating my (now fiancee) girlfriend. He hands me a box of condoms and says, "If you're gonna' start having sex, use these." That's it.

One year after my innocence is lost, my REAL dad finds a wrapper in the toilet after a session and says, "I know you're having sex and thank God you're being responsible."

The most truly awkward moments I had were really divorce-releated. Not hilarious at all and I'm sure those people who were in the situation can relate. It was rumor and probably fact that my Dad cheated and married who is now my stepmother.

Basically, it was a huge shit-storm where my parents hated each other for years. There were constant child-support custody battles and I always remember my dad pulling up at the bottom of my driveway for his weekend visits. Sometimes my brother wouldn't come and he'd actually shed a tear thinking that my mom had corrupted him and made him lose my bro.

NOW my bro is a father to a 16 year old girls baby. Who's laughing now beyotch?!