Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em

A pompous minister was seated next to a Redneck on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Redneck asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."
The Redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

HA! Nice. I read this one somewhere, but forgot where:

A mother and father are about to go to bed, but in passing their adult daughter's bedroom, they hear a buzzing sound coming from inside. They open the door up to find the daughter naked in bed with a vibrator. The daughter says, "Leave me alone! If I'm not married by now, this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

So the next day, the dad is walking by her door again, and again he hears the buzzing sound. Hoping it was something else, the dad opens the door to the same sight. Again she says, "Leave me alone! If I'm not married by now, this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Another day passes and the mom comes home and starts walks by the living room. Startled to hear the buzzing sound coming from the living room, she pops her head in, surprised to see the dad sitting with the vibrator vibrating all around the couch. She asks him, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" and he states plainly, "Watching the game with my son-in-law!"

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Fishing with his buddies."

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asked the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician says "There's no charge" "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."

A pompous minister was seated next to a Redneck on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Redneck asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."
The Redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

Shit, me three

Akili Smith, NFL QB....Zing!

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

This is kind of dumb and you've probably heard it, but shut up and read anyways...

A guy is walking along a pier one morning when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench crying. Being a nice guy he sat down next to her and said, "Ma'am, may I ask why you're crying?"
The woman looked up and said, "I'm so lonely. I've never even been hugged."
The man looked around and then decided to give the woman a nice big hug, then he got up an left.
The next day the man was taking another walk on the pier and happened to see the same woman on the same bench, and she was crying again.
"What's the matter, today?" he asked her.
"That was nice of you yesterday, but today I realized no man has ever kissed me. Do you mind?"
So again, he looked around and since he saw no one, he kissed her on the lips.
Afterwards she said to him, "Thank you, but I'm still kind of sad. Do you know that I've never had sex before?" Would you mind?"
Annoyed, the man looked around again; since he saw no one he picked the woman up and tossed her in the ocean. After he heard the splash he looked over the rail to see her struggling to stay above the surface.
Then he called down, "There, consider yourself fucked!"

This is kind of dumb and you've probably heard it, but shut up and read anyways...

A guy is walking along a pier one morning when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench crying. Being a nice guy he sat down next to her and said, "Ma'am, may I ask why you're crying?"
The woman looked up and said, "I'm so lonely. I've never even been hugged."
The man looked around and then decided to give the woman a nice big hug, then he got up an left.
The next day the man was taking another walk on the pier and happened to see the same woman on the same bench, and she was crying again.
"What's the matter, today?" he asked her.
"That was nice of you yesterday, but today I realized no man has ever kissed me. Do you mind?"
So again, he looked around and since he saw no one, he kissed her on the lips.
Afterwards she said to him, "Thank you, but I'm still kind of sad. Do you know that I've never had sex before?" Would you mind?"
Annoyed, the man looked around again; since he saw no one he picked the woman up and tossed her in the ocean. After he heard the splash he looked over the rail to see her struggling to stay above the surface.
Then he called down, "There, consider yourself fucked!"

that so wrong, but soo funny!

"I didn't spit, I sneezed. I'm allergic to holding" --DM