BrudLee
09-04-2006, 11:05 PM
For what seems like an eternity, the Warpath Power Poll™ has amused and delighted the members of my immediate family, and a smattering of disgruntled loners on The Warpath (http://www.thewarpath.net/). By seamlessly blending seasoned football analysis with poop jokes, the Warpath Power Poll™ has given a voice to the voiceless nincompoops who were unable to find pornography by randomly mashing their misshapen paws on their keyboards. This year, that’s all going to change.
As I have matured as a fan, a writer, and a human being, I have come to realize that we owe it to the worlds around us to educate and enlighten – not sully and besmirch with wildly inappropriate innuendos. The days of repeating “Michael Vick has herpes” over and over (and over) for laughs has gone the ways of the dodo. Not only is the remark unfit for consumption on its face, but it is completely unproven! Does his groin fizz when it gets wet? I say “No!”, and so I’ll not accuse again.
Right-thinking individuals who read this column in the coming weeks will learn about football, true; but they will also learn about food, etiquette, and all the lively arts. Has the current political climate rendered goal-line running strategies invalid? Is the secret to the West Coast offense to be found in Elizabethian sonnets? Is there a correlation between nickel defenses and the Keynesian economic model? I don’t know, but like you, I can’t wait to find out!
These questions and more will be explored in the coming weeks. The answers may astound you. Or maybe they won’t. I’m not a doctor.
And now, your Warpath Power Poll™!
1. Indianapolis Colts – The loss of Edgerrin James notwithstanding, was there a team with a better single free agency move? They took the most clutch kicker in history from the one team that they could never defeat. If only the criminally under-exposed Peyton Manning was in a large market, maybe he’d be a household name.
2. Seattle Seahawks – Shaun Alexander may have been the regular season MVP, but he’s lost two things since then. All-Pro Guard and road-grading blocker Steve Hutchison, and my respect for his little concussion clap dance on the sideline of the Redskins playoff game.
3. Carolina Panthers – Remember when you were a little kid, and you first started to doubt that there was a Santa Claus, and every adult that should know better would look you straight in the eye and say “Of course there’s a Santa Claus.” So, even though you weren’t sure why, you went ahead and believed? That how the Panthers made it up this high. P.S. There is a Santa Claus.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers – Motorcycle wrecks? Emergency appendectomies? Ben Roethlisberger, Fred Taylor thinks you’re soft.
5. Denver Broncos – Say it with me – “The genius of Mike Shanahan is a myth.” His reputation is based on his “anyone can be a superstar” running game, and the last top five rusher they had was… Clinton Portis. Reuben Droughns was eighth in the league before being traded after the 2004 season, and Mike Anderson barely broke 1000 yards last year. The further offensive line guru and chop block Zen master Alex Gibbs gets from the Broncos, the further they are from being a dominant offensive force.
6. Washington Redskins – I hear two things about the 0-4 preseason. Either (a) the team is overrated and will be unable to survive the crushing weight of the city’s expectations, or (b) that 0-4 in the preseason is part of the Joe Gibbs recipe for Super Bowl success. As you can see, I hear lots of dumb stuff. While the team did win a Super Bowl after going 0-4 in the exhibition season of 1982, it would be difficult to prove a corollary. Neither should the preseason be cause for wailing and the rending of garments, unless someone wants to link the Ramona Chorleau thread again. Offensively, we wanted to show nothing, and boy did we ever. Defensively, we have never shown anything in the preseason – last year, we were 25th overall in yards allowed when it didn’t matter. So, to sum up, the preseason didn’t depress me much, but I am not impressed either.
7. New England Patriots – Here’s the thing, this team is as bad a Patriots team as has been fielded in the Belicheck era. The top two wrs are either gone, or running for the door. The defense has lost valuable players in key spots, and signed aging players to fill valuable holes. The kicking game, which has been the most solid part of the team, is now in the hands of a rookie. And they’ll probably win 12 games, because of the four extra bye weeks they get (2 with the Bills, 2 with the Jets).
8. Chicago Bears – The Bears have recently been a defensive powerhouse, and have never been able to get their passing game in order enough to take the next step. That being said, if Brian Griese is the answer, I don’t want to know the question.
9. Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals recently introduced a toll-free number that fans could call to report unruly behavior at home games. To wit, the following transcript:
"Thank you for calling the Bengals Behavior Line. To report the illegal actions of a player, press "1".
*BEEP*
If you are currently being assaulted, you must hang up, and dial "911" for emergency service. If the Bengal you are reporting is a Pro Bowler, please hang up now, and take it like a man.
Due to unusually high volume, all circuits are busy. Please wait for a specialist."
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – For years, I’ve been an advocate of burning left-handed people at the stake. Clearly, everyone whose bodies subvert the very laws of God by being different than mine are witches. That’s why I’m not sold on Chris Simms, and (checks game tape of Mark Brunell)… Let’s just move along.
11. Miami Dolphins – I was reading about what a genius Nick Saban is, and how he’s one of the brightest minds in the game, and how his southern twang and folksy demeanor belie a precision that transcends sports and enters into a focus that borders on erotic, and I thought to myself, “Man, I’ve got to stop reading the Advocate’s (http://www.advocate.com/) Sports page.”
12. New York Giants – For the record, Jeremy Shockey had seven touchdowns last year, and had eight instances of celebrating something that didn’t happen.
13. Dallas Cowboys – I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to the exchange where Owens, after generally acting like an ass, tells the media that he and “Bill” have a great relationship, only to get hit in the back of the head with an iron pipe by his head coach, who deadpans “That’s Coach Parcells to you, a$$hole.”
14. Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jacksonville offense, which was lackluster last year, loses a wideout with Canton-caliber numbers, and their fragile RB gets a year older. I’m voting for a sub-.500 season on this one.
15. San Diego Chargers – Chargers linebacker Steve Foley was shot near his upscale suburban house by an off-duty policeman early Sunday morning in his second brush with police in 4½ months. Trade talks with the Bengals are pending.
16. Philadelphia Eagles – The Philly front office was thrilled when one of their potential first round choices, Winston Justice, was available in the second round. A word of caution – the same thing happened to the Redskins a few years ago. His name was Taylor Jacobs.
17. Baltimore Ravens – Steve McNair is so old and decrepit, that his former team was afraid he’d get injured walking into the complex! And still, he’s a sizable upgrade at the QB position. Somewhere, in a dark room, Kyle Boller is crying.
18. Kansas City Chiefs – So, you took Larry Johnson with the first pick in your fantasy draft, huh? Better hope that new coach Herm Edwards doesn’t run him into the ground before he gets started. Herm took a future Hall of Famer in Curtis Martin in 2004, strapped the dead weight of his entire team to his back, and rode him until he broke down. Career numbers, yes, but Martin was never the same.
19. Atlanta Falcons – The thing I like about Jim Mora Jr. is that he looks like he’s about to slip into an expletive laden tirade at any minute, regardless of his mood. Also, I like that he’s not my coach.
20. Minnesota Vikings – To assuage the Viking faithful, new head coach Brad Childress signed Mike McMahon and Todd Pinkston from Philadelphia’s waiver wire. I know what you’re thinking. “Hey, I though ‘assuage’ meant appease, or satisfy?” So did I, gentle reader, so did I.
21. Arizona Cardinals – Arizona’s offensive line still reeks, so Warner is likely to get pummeled. Leinart may be safer, though – he could circulate pictures of himself with Paris Hilton, and defenders would be afraid to tackle him without some kind of mega-vitamin booster shot.
22. St. Louis Rams – New head coach Scott Linehan should finally put some “run” back into the St Louis offense, making Steven Jackson a player to watch. In an unrelated story, Steven Jackson is my keeper in my fantasy league.
23. Oakland Raiders – There is no real reason that the Raiders would be ranked this high. I just have a deep and abiding respect for Art Shell.
24. Detroit Lions – I realize you can’t argue with results, but when head coach Rod Marinelli pushed for Mike Martz to be his Offensive Coordinator, did he get the same “mutiny” vibe I get?
25. Houston Texans – In April, the Texans told us they didn’t need to draft Messiah-figure Reggie Bush, because they had Domanick Davis. Having re-injured his knee after two days of practice, Davis was placed on injured reserve. All I can say is, Mario Williams better get about eleven hundred sacks.
26. Cleveland Browns – In what is becoming the “SI cover curse” of a new generation, the Browns have gone through nine centers since the end of last season. Spinal Tap drummer’s had better job security.
27. New Orleans Saints – Reggie Bush on How Reggie Bush sees his role: "To do it all. My favorite role is to get the ball in my hands. Any way I can do that. I just like getting the ball in my hands…” That attitude probably won’t become an issue or anything.
28. Green Bay Packers – Is it just me, or is there an inversely proportional relationship between Brett Favre’s effectiveness and the amount of slobber John Madden leaves on his jock?
29. Tennessee Titans – My feeling is that if you have no idea who your starting quarterback is six days before kickoff, you got an issue.
30. New York Jets – Kevan Barlow, Cedric Houston, Derrick Blaylock and rookie Leon Washington are all in the mix to replace the injured Curtis Martin as the Jets' No. 1 running back. With Martin sidelined for at least the first six weeks of the season with a knee injury, coach Eric Mangini plans -- for now -- to use all four in the season opener at Tennessee. One expects that after several penalties for too many men on the field, Coach Mangini will likely pare that down.
31. Buffalo Bills – Oh, Dame Fortune, you are a cruel mistress. In 2002, Peerless Price was just that – Peerless. He caught 94 passes, and left Buffalo in a hurry, stealing lots of money from neophyte Falcons owner Arthur Blank. After two bad seasons in Atlanta, he barely caught on in Dallas, and caught all of 6 passes in seven games. Now, tail firmly ensconced between his legs, Price returns to Buffalo, armed with a 4 year deal worth more than $10 million. That’ll show him. [/sarcasm]
32. San Francisco 49ers – You have to wonder if, when Jerry Rice signed his ceremonial one-day contract to retire as a Niner, whether the team gave any thought to making him stay and play. The receivers here are that bad.
As I have matured as a fan, a writer, and a human being, I have come to realize that we owe it to the worlds around us to educate and enlighten – not sully and besmirch with wildly inappropriate innuendos. The days of repeating “Michael Vick has herpes” over and over (and over) for laughs has gone the ways of the dodo. Not only is the remark unfit for consumption on its face, but it is completely unproven! Does his groin fizz when it gets wet? I say “No!”, and so I’ll not accuse again.
Right-thinking individuals who read this column in the coming weeks will learn about football, true; but they will also learn about food, etiquette, and all the lively arts. Has the current political climate rendered goal-line running strategies invalid? Is the secret to the West Coast offense to be found in Elizabethian sonnets? Is there a correlation between nickel defenses and the Keynesian economic model? I don’t know, but like you, I can’t wait to find out!
These questions and more will be explored in the coming weeks. The answers may astound you. Or maybe they won’t. I’m not a doctor.
And now, your Warpath Power Poll™!
1. Indianapolis Colts – The loss of Edgerrin James notwithstanding, was there a team with a better single free agency move? They took the most clutch kicker in history from the one team that they could never defeat. If only the criminally under-exposed Peyton Manning was in a large market, maybe he’d be a household name.
2. Seattle Seahawks – Shaun Alexander may have been the regular season MVP, but he’s lost two things since then. All-Pro Guard and road-grading blocker Steve Hutchison, and my respect for his little concussion clap dance on the sideline of the Redskins playoff game.
3. Carolina Panthers – Remember when you were a little kid, and you first started to doubt that there was a Santa Claus, and every adult that should know better would look you straight in the eye and say “Of course there’s a Santa Claus.” So, even though you weren’t sure why, you went ahead and believed? That how the Panthers made it up this high. P.S. There is a Santa Claus.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers – Motorcycle wrecks? Emergency appendectomies? Ben Roethlisberger, Fred Taylor thinks you’re soft.
5. Denver Broncos – Say it with me – “The genius of Mike Shanahan is a myth.” His reputation is based on his “anyone can be a superstar” running game, and the last top five rusher they had was… Clinton Portis. Reuben Droughns was eighth in the league before being traded after the 2004 season, and Mike Anderson barely broke 1000 yards last year. The further offensive line guru and chop block Zen master Alex Gibbs gets from the Broncos, the further they are from being a dominant offensive force.
6. Washington Redskins – I hear two things about the 0-4 preseason. Either (a) the team is overrated and will be unable to survive the crushing weight of the city’s expectations, or (b) that 0-4 in the preseason is part of the Joe Gibbs recipe for Super Bowl success. As you can see, I hear lots of dumb stuff. While the team did win a Super Bowl after going 0-4 in the exhibition season of 1982, it would be difficult to prove a corollary. Neither should the preseason be cause for wailing and the rending of garments, unless someone wants to link the Ramona Chorleau thread again. Offensively, we wanted to show nothing, and boy did we ever. Defensively, we have never shown anything in the preseason – last year, we were 25th overall in yards allowed when it didn’t matter. So, to sum up, the preseason didn’t depress me much, but I am not impressed either.
7. New England Patriots – Here’s the thing, this team is as bad a Patriots team as has been fielded in the Belicheck era. The top two wrs are either gone, or running for the door. The defense has lost valuable players in key spots, and signed aging players to fill valuable holes. The kicking game, which has been the most solid part of the team, is now in the hands of a rookie. And they’ll probably win 12 games, because of the four extra bye weeks they get (2 with the Bills, 2 with the Jets).
8. Chicago Bears – The Bears have recently been a defensive powerhouse, and have never been able to get their passing game in order enough to take the next step. That being said, if Brian Griese is the answer, I don’t want to know the question.
9. Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals recently introduced a toll-free number that fans could call to report unruly behavior at home games. To wit, the following transcript:
"Thank you for calling the Bengals Behavior Line. To report the illegal actions of a player, press "1".
*BEEP*
If you are currently being assaulted, you must hang up, and dial "911" for emergency service. If the Bengal you are reporting is a Pro Bowler, please hang up now, and take it like a man.
Due to unusually high volume, all circuits are busy. Please wait for a specialist."
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – For years, I’ve been an advocate of burning left-handed people at the stake. Clearly, everyone whose bodies subvert the very laws of God by being different than mine are witches. That’s why I’m not sold on Chris Simms, and (checks game tape of Mark Brunell)… Let’s just move along.
11. Miami Dolphins – I was reading about what a genius Nick Saban is, and how he’s one of the brightest minds in the game, and how his southern twang and folksy demeanor belie a precision that transcends sports and enters into a focus that borders on erotic, and I thought to myself, “Man, I’ve got to stop reading the Advocate’s (http://www.advocate.com/) Sports page.”
12. New York Giants – For the record, Jeremy Shockey had seven touchdowns last year, and had eight instances of celebrating something that didn’t happen.
13. Dallas Cowboys – I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to the exchange where Owens, after generally acting like an ass, tells the media that he and “Bill” have a great relationship, only to get hit in the back of the head with an iron pipe by his head coach, who deadpans “That’s Coach Parcells to you, a$$hole.”
14. Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jacksonville offense, which was lackluster last year, loses a wideout with Canton-caliber numbers, and their fragile RB gets a year older. I’m voting for a sub-.500 season on this one.
15. San Diego Chargers – Chargers linebacker Steve Foley was shot near his upscale suburban house by an off-duty policeman early Sunday morning in his second brush with police in 4½ months. Trade talks with the Bengals are pending.
16. Philadelphia Eagles – The Philly front office was thrilled when one of their potential first round choices, Winston Justice, was available in the second round. A word of caution – the same thing happened to the Redskins a few years ago. His name was Taylor Jacobs.
17. Baltimore Ravens – Steve McNair is so old and decrepit, that his former team was afraid he’d get injured walking into the complex! And still, he’s a sizable upgrade at the QB position. Somewhere, in a dark room, Kyle Boller is crying.
18. Kansas City Chiefs – So, you took Larry Johnson with the first pick in your fantasy draft, huh? Better hope that new coach Herm Edwards doesn’t run him into the ground before he gets started. Herm took a future Hall of Famer in Curtis Martin in 2004, strapped the dead weight of his entire team to his back, and rode him until he broke down. Career numbers, yes, but Martin was never the same.
19. Atlanta Falcons – The thing I like about Jim Mora Jr. is that he looks like he’s about to slip into an expletive laden tirade at any minute, regardless of his mood. Also, I like that he’s not my coach.
20. Minnesota Vikings – To assuage the Viking faithful, new head coach Brad Childress signed Mike McMahon and Todd Pinkston from Philadelphia’s waiver wire. I know what you’re thinking. “Hey, I though ‘assuage’ meant appease, or satisfy?” So did I, gentle reader, so did I.
21. Arizona Cardinals – Arizona’s offensive line still reeks, so Warner is likely to get pummeled. Leinart may be safer, though – he could circulate pictures of himself with Paris Hilton, and defenders would be afraid to tackle him without some kind of mega-vitamin booster shot.
22. St. Louis Rams – New head coach Scott Linehan should finally put some “run” back into the St Louis offense, making Steven Jackson a player to watch. In an unrelated story, Steven Jackson is my keeper in my fantasy league.
23. Oakland Raiders – There is no real reason that the Raiders would be ranked this high. I just have a deep and abiding respect for Art Shell.
24. Detroit Lions – I realize you can’t argue with results, but when head coach Rod Marinelli pushed for Mike Martz to be his Offensive Coordinator, did he get the same “mutiny” vibe I get?
25. Houston Texans – In April, the Texans told us they didn’t need to draft Messiah-figure Reggie Bush, because they had Domanick Davis. Having re-injured his knee after two days of practice, Davis was placed on injured reserve. All I can say is, Mario Williams better get about eleven hundred sacks.
26. Cleveland Browns – In what is becoming the “SI cover curse” of a new generation, the Browns have gone through nine centers since the end of last season. Spinal Tap drummer’s had better job security.
27. New Orleans Saints – Reggie Bush on How Reggie Bush sees his role: "To do it all. My favorite role is to get the ball in my hands. Any way I can do that. I just like getting the ball in my hands…” That attitude probably won’t become an issue or anything.
28. Green Bay Packers – Is it just me, or is there an inversely proportional relationship between Brett Favre’s effectiveness and the amount of slobber John Madden leaves on his jock?
29. Tennessee Titans – My feeling is that if you have no idea who your starting quarterback is six days before kickoff, you got an issue.
30. New York Jets – Kevan Barlow, Cedric Houston, Derrick Blaylock and rookie Leon Washington are all in the mix to replace the injured Curtis Martin as the Jets' No. 1 running back. With Martin sidelined for at least the first six weeks of the season with a knee injury, coach Eric Mangini plans -- for now -- to use all four in the season opener at Tennessee. One expects that after several penalties for too many men on the field, Coach Mangini will likely pare that down.
31. Buffalo Bills – Oh, Dame Fortune, you are a cruel mistress. In 2002, Peerless Price was just that – Peerless. He caught 94 passes, and left Buffalo in a hurry, stealing lots of money from neophyte Falcons owner Arthur Blank. After two bad seasons in Atlanta, he barely caught on in Dallas, and caught all of 6 passes in seven games. Now, tail firmly ensconced between his legs, Price returns to Buffalo, armed with a 4 year deal worth more than $10 million. That’ll show him. [/sarcasm]
32. San Francisco 49ers – You have to wonder if, when Jerry Rice signed his ceremonial one-day contract to retire as a Niner, whether the team gave any thought to making him stay and play. The receivers here are that bad.